holler if you hear me ...

my life thus far: what a fucking roller coaster.

I love how women talk about women they do not know, but are clearly jealous of. How she has more boyfriends than tampons in a year, and how she dyes her hair a different color every month.

goals made in 2015: 14
goals achieved: 8

I was only able to stick to a little over half of what i promised myself i would be fully committed to. how did i let these goals of mine slip through my fingers? it's about d i s t r a c t i o n s. life is full of distractions. they are so easily distracting. it's insane. and now i am beating myself up for letting these distractions consume my entire mind body and soul which now has affected my life in more aspects than one.

I don't handle failure very well. I try to live by great expectations, and I know this isn't the best choice to do but it's just the way i am. this could be why i haven't been very happy lately. people just let me down soo much. nothing in this world is as beautiful as they try to instill in your minds growing up in elementary school.

I've dealt with the most turmoil this year by my 'friends'... the most hurt the most betrayal.. I mean that, genuinely. It was harsh. I learned how brutal this world can be. How immoral people really are. How much chivalry is dying and that "A thug changes, and love changes, and best friends become strangers"

straight up.

But, I also gained so much. I gained new friends, who are brilliant.. got closer with ones that came from past years. Became so much wiser, really. i've learned the importance of loyalty and respect, and how to gain it and more importantly, how to keep it. I learned to take hits like a big girl... literally. i learned to not let things affect me badly. These days, people who used to get under my skin, merely scratch the surface now. Made me remember my self worth, that I was doubting with a few people that i'm glad to say are gone..

&& welcome 2016... i think we're gonna be friends ;D

it's beginning to feel a lot like christmas < 3

 Christmas is the most amazing time of year.

Despite the cold weather, i truly enjoy Christmas and everything is has to offer. I couldn't wait to put up all my X-Mas decor, i have so much stuff I love to show off. i also put up a tree at my mother-in-law's place. My new place is really coming together. I can't wait until it is all ready and set. So far I have my trees up, see below =)

As I am putting up my tree, decorating my fireplace mantle, putting lights around the door and window trim, hanging snowflakes in the windows, and covering every table with knick knacks--- I warm up hot chocolate with extra marshmallows while listening to the X-Mas station, 93.9 The Lite, which plays nothing but X-Mas music all day and night long. I start a fire in my fire place, and the sheer warmth and smells flowing throughout my home just brings such bliss.  It really puts me in a loving and giving mood. 

Shortly after I finish with all my decor on the inside, I head outside, and put up Christmas lights anywhere I can. On Christmas, i go as far as putting reindeer tracks in the snow so i can REALLY fool all the kiddies!! I also decorate my stair railings with garters, lights, tinsel, and anything my landlord allows! Then of course the sexy lingerie ;-)

so now, about this blog .. I wanted to write about things i love about this season and am curious to know what my readers' favorites are as well. i don't know any one who doesn't enjoy this season. and if they are, well BAH HUMBAG to you too, cus you're nothing but a GRINCH. ;D

Chrismas Season Must Do's!

downtown chicago is definitely the place to be! sure, it's cold && snowy, but that is part of the appeal.. especially for visitors from parts of the world who do not experience seasons in the way we do here.. there are even people within the US that do not.. Chicago has it's own weather control that's for sure.  with a mix of dark nights .. bright lights.. and the HUGE christmas tree Chicago puts up every year are some of the few things that make downtown such a great place to be.

my #1 favorite thing to do is ice skating.  there are some people who just have to get their fitness/sports fix, and ice skating is the best sport to find it. It is a classic chicago winter activity. The famous Grant Park is its backdrop.. so while your skating thereis nothing but beautiful scenary all around. it's also free to the public but i think you have to pay to rent the skates which shouldnt be more than $10 bucks.

food :: of course chicago is known for its amazing melting pot of different cuisines. but i personally go for the bakeries along michigan and congress because my sweet tooth is huuuuuuuuge and always aching for more. not only that but i am a fabulous baker myself && am always looking for new recipes or ideas to try out myself. the cookies pictured below i baked with my mom - these cookies came out very good but only problem was we did such a good job on them  i didnt want to eat them up!! i just wanted them to sit there and be complimented by everyone who came over .. haha ;D

chicago's broadway scene. when i went to school in chicago, my ballet team always made it a point to bring us to the theater to see the Nutcracker and a handful of other plays. i really think the winter season is not complete without seeing at least one play.  there is an annual Christmas Spectacular, which is my personal favorite because its over 100 performers at least! and just a huge combination of music and dance. my fiance's family and i really enjoy Chicago's broadway scene.

 parades. the magnificent mile lights parade is before thanksgiving and known for its HUGE blimps illuminating over thousands of lights on Michigan avenue.  this is pretty much the most famous parade, but there is also a toys for tots one that i go to every year. check out the picture to the right --- >>

Elmo!--whose the infamous MC of the parade is usually first and leads the illumination of more lights than any one can count on the The Magnificent Mile district on michigan ave.. i forget what street its from but i know it starts at wacker drive and i would assume goes all the way to clark or oak st. there is an insane fireworks show over the river at the end which brings just an amazing event to an even more amazing end.

brookfield and Lincoln park zoo: lincoln park zoo is more common to go to because its in downtown chicago and its also free to get into. it also hosts the "zoo lights" which is really popular to attend throughout the holiday season. they have santa claus there to visit each child, super amazing ice-carving demonstrations, all the while enjoying a musical light show. while brookfield zoo is a more nicer zoo, but cost money to get into, besides on christmas day they are free to enter and is a holiday tradition with my boyfriend and I to attend every year because it holds a very special moment in both of our hearts-- brookfield hosts the holiday magic event that is pretty much  both a laser and light show along with ice carving demonstrations as well and live music and magician performances. i like this one a little better than the Zoo Lights at Lincoln park zoo, but again its what you pay for. brookfield zoo also hosts a "breakfast with santa" pretty much every weekend throughout december i think. i went to it once but it was the weekend before christmas so don't hold me to it, but im pretty sure its every weekend.

christmas tree at the museum o science and industry! ;D

every museum is great in its own way. my favorites are the museum of science and industry and the field museum because they are most informational along with them both having things that relate more to my interests but the Shedd Aquarium and the Adler planetarium are also very cool to walk through, as they have great visual displys.  i also really enjoy the chicago children's museum..they really go all out for the children!!  i remeber going iinside a firehouse, walking through the sahara desert, and a whole bunch of other control centers. it really shows you a lot, all pertaining to fun and education of course.




now alongside the children's museum is the Navy Pier's LEGOLAND!! Lol.. it's seriously  like entering the world’s biggest box of Legos.  there is a HUGE medieval Lego castle-- includes dragons!! There is also pretty much every major landmark throughout Chicago is remade in legos like the water tower, Sears' tower, etc. && last but not least, you have the opportunity to build your own lego creation! of course i always took full advantage =) i wish i still had my pictures. i put them in one of my scrapbooks that one of my friend's accidentally throughout when she lived with me =(

Now to end this super long, what felt like endless, blog i just wanted to say chicago is a very great city. it has a lot to offer, and is magnificently beautiful from an architextural aspect especially. i know there are many, MANY areas that are very bad and crime ridden but for every bad neighborhood there is a good neighborhod, and as with any city--there is always going to be a Skidd Row. Just how this human race is unfortunately. so if you've never been to these places, please try to get to them this winter. they are very inexpensive, if not free, and really there is not excuse not to make it to them if you really want to. 

Chicago is also known for it's insane weather. upon attending any of these events, please make sure you dress apropriately!! i myself just bought these super cute zebra glittens because every morning when i leave for work at 6am, my car is frozen inside so my boyfriend started to run out 20mins before i leave so it can warm up but what doesn't seem to get warm quick enough is my steering wheel!! so i put on my xmas list i want a warm and fuzzy steering wheel cover, but until i get that i will just drive sporting my uber cute glittens :

i know, i am obsessed with zebra print! =) i like the glittens because i can always free my fingers if i need to do something like put on make up or tie something or text quickly, etc. Anyway, try to stay warm this holiday season, but also try to really make your life feel like a winter wonderland.

thanks for reading =]

what does beauty mean to you?

beauty.

reading this seventeen ultimate guide to beauty really got me thinking... who decides if something is beautiful or ugly--- how does society play a role into the answer to this question ? i asked one of the clients as she walked into the salon i work at the other day what she thinks of beauty..

"... i'm sure you're looking for me to say something like "beauty lies in the eye of the beholder" but i'm going to keep it real with you, whether we like it or not, our outer appearance is going to be the first deciding factor as to if we fall into the beautiful category or not."-- Shondra [[ girl, i gave you my link, better hit me up if you read this!! ;o) ]]

no surprise there. pretty much everyone these days will tell you are considered beautiful if you're physically good looking and that it is 'sad' it has to be that way, but thats how society said it has to be. she then asked me "what do you think? what's beautiful to you?"

"beauty isn’t just about having a pretty face. It’s about having a beautiful mind, a beautiful heart and a beautiful soul to go with it cus when it comes down to it-- that's what we all want to see in this world. i truly think there is something really magnetic about a woman who carries her beauty well enough for others to perceive it as kindness and sincerity." I responded in my most miss america way possible. lol


Many companies want to invest in beautiful women. However with the modeling industry, most of these models will NEVER be remembered for their minds, things they say, etc. it's all going to be her full lips, piercing eyes, long locks of hair, tight abs, or perfect breasts. & straiqht up this makes me sickk. i wiish we lived in a society where It’s okay to be yourself--fitting into society's perception of beautiful will not make you special. i mean, sure you may be beautiful by society's standards but you'll be e.m.p.t.y ;;

beauty with character is always better to take in & look through.



my younger sister is, i think, very pretty & i'm not being bias when i say this either. lol i'm saying this because she has genuine love in her heart, and she thrives off of happiness and love given back to her. I've always told her she was beautiful, she always did the same to me. It wasn't until recently I started thinking does a focus on a person’s outward beauty devalue their inner beauty? Does teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tell them that looks are more important that anything?

my sister came over the other day, and she immediately goes to my closet and picks out whatever she wants to try on. she LOVES playing dress up, and we pretty much wear the same size LOL she picked out something for her, and something for me.. as we were both getting undressed she said "look my tummy is getting smaller, i play outside alot and mommy says i get good exercise n will get tall n skinny like u!" and it really hurt my heart because i couldnt help but think i was the one who put the thought of having a flat tummy being ideal into her head. before i knew it, i felt like i pretty much had set her up for dieting at the age of 7, foundation at age 11, boob job at 17 and botox at 23!!

have i been doing the exact thing i always warned myself not too?

as our cultural impact on girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new norm, American women have become increasingly unhappy. it's not like we couldn't foresee this. this is why from now on i am going to be very persistant with teaching my sister how much more important it is to have a life of meaning, a life of ideas---to enjoy reading books and being valued for her thoughts and accomplishments instead of her beauty. i know she is still young, and her peers will definitely convince her otherwise, but i will try my best considering i am still the main role model in her life.

i can't let her down.

I am not saying looks are not important. Because I think they are... to an extent. Actually, i think that keeping up appearances is just good manners plain & simple. i work in customer service. i wear makeup, only mascara and lip gloss to accentuate my best features on days i really am running late or just don't feel like slathering away at my face with pounds of make up. i think this makes me look at least presentable. i wear nice clothes, but don't spend a fortune on them. The world would be a perfect place if strangers could peer into our souls and tell that we have integrity, that we’re intelligent and caring individuals.

Unfortunately, this isn’t how customer service works.

You are judged upon your presentation. Oh and this applies to other social situations too, if not most. I admire any girl who has the guts to walk past the mirror in the morning and be completely comfortable in her skin, head held high with a natural self confidence. however, I just haven’t reached that point yet (and I also really, really love wearing lipgloss!! LOL)

What are your opinions? How much makeup do you wear to work? What about your hair, how long do you take getting it preped for the day? What about your outfits ? How long does it take you to get your outfit picked out, and dressed in it?

boobies month xx

breast cancer research and awareness month

I love the month of October. not only does it have my #1 baby girl's birthday in it, but it also has Halloween which is one of my favorite holidays, and it's Breast Cancer Awareness & Research Month!! This is the month you will see PiNK every where!! You also get to see Boobies In public and not get looked at weird .... not like that ever stopped me ;)

Of course to commemorate this special month, I had to pink-tify a few things. Not only did I rock all the pink jewelry I had at work every day, including my pink ribbon earrings, my big pink rock ring pictured below, and my boobies wristband pictured above, but also wore elaborate pink eye shadow as well.

                                         
The pink ribbon -- nationally known symbol for breast cancer and awareness. they are widely used to demonstrate our support for women (and men) who have Breast Cancer, and were first handed out by the Susan G. Komen Foundation in 1991 at the Race for the Cure in New York City. Over the years, we have seen this pink ribbon displayed in all shapes and styles:

breast cancer statistics and information

According to the National Cancer Institute, there are over 194,000 new cases and 40,000 deaths per year in the U.S. In addition, there are currently over 2.5 million women alive who have had a history of breast cancer. Here are a couple other quick facts:

-- 12% of women will be diagnosed with breast cancer some time in their life
-- 60% of breast cancer cases are diagnosed while the cancer is still confined to the primary site

-- From 2002-2006, the median age at diagnosis for cancer of the breast was 61 years of age
-- The overall 5-year relative survival rate is about 90%

breast cancer video: show your support

There are many things you can do to get involved and show your support such as donating money, wearing a pink ribbon or volunteering your time at a local fundraising event. 

 Check out this video of The Johns Hopkins Hospital and how they are showing their support:

 

Other Breast Cancer Resources:

Download the Choose You Breast Health e-Kit

Learn about protecting yourself from breast cancer.

Watch a video “Mammograms Matter.”

Read a Breast Cancer Guide.

Inform yourself about breast cancer early detection.

Take time to sign up for a Mammogram Reminder.

Discover medicines that can help reduce breast cancer risk.

Understand what you need to know about cancer and women’s health.

Get answers by reading “What Causes Cancer?

Remember girls!

to be or not to be .. a vegetarian?

After careful consideration, i have decided that i will enter the crazy cat lady phase a little early. why? because at times, I absolutely really cannot stand to be around people.

For starters, they can be selfish, FAKE, JEALOUS, and completely UNTRUSTWORTHY not to mention conceited, and egotistical. In most cases, females are all of those at the same time! how are humans capable of all of this? are our sophisticated brains holding us back from really living life? or do we need this sophistication to propel mankind into some kind of super era? because if you ask me... i'd say animals have the riqht idea. When you think about it, everything I need to know about life I can learn from watching my cat. -- eat when you’re hungry... sleep when you’re sleepy... and most importantly, when you see someone you love hurting...wait until they are done trashing the apartment before making an attempt to cuddle. -- lol


how many times have you heard the same old same old...
"I hate men, but I have a dog that i would marry if i legally could."

"i hate men, but i have five cats that mean the world to me."

"I hate men."

"i hate men."

"i hate men."

i truly believe a lot of this stems from bad experiences in childhood; therefore, many girls find comfort in the innocence of animals to sort of que them from those bad experiences. I think this is mostly because cats & dogs are incapable of judging people. And the most insecure girls get to really appreciate that factor the most. Why? Because when in the company of a pet, there is no need to suck your stomach in to make your boobs look bigger. animals don’t care if you have a little lisp or if you have an odd looking belly button. having that “break” from the pressures of society is revitalizing and relaxing, which is why i feel alot of women in the stripping/adult film industry become actively involved in PETA and vegetarianism. they simply get to the point where I am and that is the realization that there are no good and real people out there. It is truly a sad world. sure, the book “Skinny Bitch” completely horrified me, the documentary “Food, Inc.” made me physically sick, but it didn't stop me from eating meat. I don't think I can ever truly become a vegetarian.. 

Now onto the images. They are great aren't there? LOL They belong to PETA. PETA has been under fire for a number of years for using provocative images to advertise their cause. Mostly of celebrities posing nude such as the images above and below depict. I think this is pure genius. It gets people talking and nothing spreads information faster than a bunch of people that think they should feel offended. lol Let's face it, there will always be that one person who does. Below are some ads on google image search that I think are interesting and if this bothers you, I don’t give a fuck.

Now let's see another side..

men are better than animals because they don’t need to be fed, they clean up after ourselves, and they don’t try to mate with every female who waves her furry little end our way.

Oh wait, that only counts for 25% of the male population.

 maybe if pets talked, women would hate them.. What if your rat terrier mix sees you scarfing pizza at midnight and says, “uhm yeah, becky. do you really need to be eating that, sweetie?”

Or, your cat sees you sneaking in at 4 A.M. after a night out and angrily demands to know, “Where have you BEEN?! You were out with HIM again, weren’t you? Slut!”

Nobody likes a controlling, possessive feline, but again, their small brains preclude this annoying behavior. most importantly, remember that your trusted pooch or feline CANNOT change a flat tire, care for you when you are sick, or wine and dine you on your birthday. i don't even want to get into sexual needs...

to get a little deeper, what if just... what if the animals were put on this earth for us to consume. hmm.. ever thought about that ? then by not eating them you are keeping them from fufilling their destiny. I must admit that there is nothing like having a large porterhouse steak brought to your table all sizzling and stuff and cutting into it and it cuts like butter. Slightly pink inside & the meat just melts in your mouth! (I’m talking about steak here you gutter-minded people ;) ]

what are your thoughts ? are you vegetarian ? when did you become one, why did you, and do you hate others who aren't? i personally love meat way too much to give it up...wow that sounded pretty slutty, didn't it? yeeesh! im on a roll tonight ;]

power struggle

Power.

Maybe sometimes it's best to put up a shield as you head into the battlefield of love. Because then when we find ourselves defenseless as our hearts become exploited, we wonder where we went wrong?

Who decides its fate? Who decides the direction? what constitutes who has the "power" in a relationship? Is one always held above the other?

a. the one who bases her every decision around what her man will think, the one who does not go somewhere because her man doesn't let her, the one who asks her man if what she is wearing is okay before walking out of the house, the one who will cater to her man not in a loving way like destiny's child meant, but in the puppy dog way where you are a servant behind him picking up after him---well then, maybe it's time to find your voice. Search deep inside for your inner-strength and have the confidence to stand up for your beliefs and opinions. Get some self -respect because while you may claim you have it, you don't. This relationship involves you, which means you are equally as important as your partner. If you truly believe you "aren't good enough" for him - leave.. that kind of attitude isn't doing either of you any good.

b. if you find yourself "dominating" all relationships you become involved in, that isn't good either.
 Are you the sole bread winner, and maintaining the household together? If you are finding yourself being the main decision maker, and he not even attempting to assist, then I see this ending badly soon.

 Relationships are about two people working as a team in a single unit. Both individuals need to be actively involved in decision making. Too often we become consumed in a relationship where we have to "become one." it took me a long time but i realized that dating is not about finding your other half. dating is more about really discovering yourself and accepting that you are already whole. your man's purpose is to complement you, not complete you. I think without that equality of power in a relationship, a couple cannot function successfully. Hearts will be broken and someone will get hurt... like 95% of relationships do.

Relationships like this are damaging for someone will always end up hurt. Maybe you've been on both ends of the spectrum. I have. I had a hard time seeing where i stood. Though when I really listed out scenario by scenario, I realized I was not in a healthy relationship.

fair warning --

I try not to be spiteful.

But sometimes its the best method of revenge, and I will say it right now I can be a very vengeful person when it comes to me and mine.

You mess with my friends, my relationship, or my family and I will tear you into a million pieces.

Most likely I won't hit you physically, not because I can't, but because I love mental games. You will become a piece I move around and force into self-destruction. If you don't want to deal with me, don't make yourself a part of my life.

Leave my name out of your conversations and out of your mind, otherwise I am involved and

I am going to finish whatever it is you started.

I don't start anything, no not at all. I don't have the time nor the motivation to care about someone else in a malicious manner, but if you involve yourself in my life I'll make the time.

sorry, but ill make your bitchassness is my entertainment for the day.

It is stated OVER and OVER... I will FUCK your shit up.

that's all, have a nice day :))

getting out of my own way..

so i've been kind of in this cloud, that more often than not decides to release a big bucket of fuck you rain droplets on my head from time to time, for about the past 2 months. granted i was going through a shitload of life changes, so of course i am bound to be stressed as haillll.

but it wasn't until recently that i figured out i am more motivated than EVER to start changing up my life now that i am finally PHYSICALLY where i want to be. after the news this weekend I realize that life is too fucking short and fragile to not be happy, do what you love and spend it the way you want to. Buy the shoes. Take the shot. Ya know!!?

SO. now instead of taking the slow and steady approach to change i normally do, i'm in the mood to that fast quickness chicago path. (youuu knowwww.) which, for me, means facing and tearing down the roadblocks i put up for myself when facing big, life altering choices over the past few years.. eek! So to get myself to where I want to be, I’m going to have to get past a few key issues..listed below are the ones i think are going to be my main ones:


exhibit a :: aversion to risk. yup, i know. ME afraid of RISK? sure when it comes to rollercoasters that are faster than the speed of light and throw you up and down and every which way possible, i am going to be alll up over and inside that (that's what she said.) But when it comes down to my own i am not a risk-tolerant person. i am always ten steps ahead because it makes me feel safe. i follow the rules because it is stable. i feel like i can’t take risks because i’ve got to pay bills, have insurance, need a guaranteed job, etc. And yet. And yet, and yet and yet. Sometimes, when you’re confronting life that is unhappy (but safe) or happy (but risky)–well, risk is starting to sound much more appealing. I can always find a way to pay my bills. but i'm starting to realize..i can’t always let my happiness and fulfillment fall at the feet of what’s safe. a fear of not being good enough. my social status was kind of weird-- i was popular enough to where everyone knew who i was, but smart enough to not get close to anyone too much & had one boyfriend straight thru high school which saved me from soooo much drama--anyway, i’ve never been the bottom of the heap, but I’m rarely at the top either. My fear of not being good enough at the things I want to do has held me at bay for a long time. why? cus it has just always been easier to stay where I am, where i know i'm OK, than it is to put myself out there and be faced with the reality that i don’t have what it takes. but honestly, I’m strong enough to face rejection. ive got enough support to face the struggle. i would rather TRY and not be enough than not try, and have regrets. Nah wah Im sayinggg?

exhibit b :: obsessive compulsive person. i absolutely need to have EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL. in place before I can so much as begin. Maybe it’s my years of marketing plans that require every little piece to be in place before I launch. Maybe it’s the obsessive, detail person in me coming out. Or maybe it’s just a stall tactic. But I always feel like I have to have every little tiny thing worked out before I can so much as begin. I have to have it perfect before I can let it go into the world. Which has its place, admittedly. I’m never going to get rid of that impulse entirely. But at the same time, there are instances where just jumping in and figuring it out along the way can be a better solution. Like when you’re aching for a change in your life. Maybe now is the time to just throw some of this out into the universe and figure out the little details as I go

i've actually been feeling this for quite a while now.. but this week is what really put me in a big giant spotlight. this is my one and only life. this is it. if i'm not happy, than how will i ever be ? if i want something diff for my life, i am the ONLY person who can make it happen. which means i need to get out of my own way, tear down those stupid roadblocks, and just jump in. here’s to a life that makes me happy and fulfilled and that’s worth looking forward to. Because only I can make it that way.

death ;; you cannot avoid it.

no matter who we are, where we live, or what we do, death will touch all of us in some way or another. although there is a lot to learn and understand about death-- much more than i can everrr express in this blog-- it's still important to express your feelings on death because i've learned this can help others cope with it when it may happen to them. a friend of mine recently had a close family friend die unexpectedly and it just hit me that we all take life for granted way too much. i am so happy that i am able to breathe in fresh air every day, to be able to eat what i want, do what i want, wear what i want, etc are all gifts that cannot be measured.

unfortunate as it may be, death is an inevitable part of life && we will all be touched by the reaper at some point in our lives. I, personally, am soooo blessed to not have dealt with a single close death to me that had literally touched me to the point of extreme depression. i do know that death is a difficult thing to work through though.. it leaves you feeling so empty and alone but there are a lot of ways one can find peace after a recent death of a close one. when you lose someone close to you , your senses are flooded with multiple emotions.. there's anger, denial, depression, frustration, and above all just plain sadness.

it is perfectly normal to feel anger toward the person you lost. after all, they left you alone. Someday that anger will subside and you will have overcome the frustration of loss. Sadness and grief will probably be with you for life, but they get easier to deal with over time. Even though you may feel that you cannot survive another day because the grief is so overwhelming, you can and you will. Face each day and conquer it!

many people let grief win and overtake their lives. they become consumed in their sorrow and almost cease to function. this actually becomes detrimental to their health. i jus cannot stress it enoug hthat no matter how hard it may seem, you need to move forward. i always tell the people that have lost someone close to them to jus think about what they would want. would they want you to suffer endlessly because of their lost. but when it comes down to it... only time will help you overcome the anger and will dull the pain of loss.

the reason why I really wanted to touch on this topic was because there was a recent death of a very young man this past week, and i couldnt help but think what awful timing it was. i mean, of course there is no good timing, but dealing with death of close ones I'm sure makes things a lot harder.

Rest In Paradise to all of those to have lost a loved one this year.

where were you on 9/11?

September 11th, 2001

i have been wanting to address my thoughts on this horrific day for some time now. I truly hate this time of year because I always find myself googling all of the victim's families, and sending out my prayers and condolences  if any thing, i feel honored to have a post on my blog site dedicated to all of our amazing country's heroes who had given the greatest sacrifice on September 11th, 2001.

my parents' generation will never forget where they were the moment they heard that JFK was shot.. and my generation will never forget where we were on September 11, 2001. Very unfortunate each generation has at lease one of these days in them.

I was so young around the time of the 9/11 disasters. I distinctly remember always following my brothers around..&& that morning was no different.

I went to the workout center with them, placed my headphones on my ears-- blasting 50 cent who at the time just came out with "Stunt 101" with G-Unit. I then started my run on the treadmill while trying to be the first of my girls to remember all the lyrics to the song to which we battle it out later that day at recess. (lol lames) I looked up to see the television in the corner of the room and saw what looked like an airplane that had hit a tall skyscraper. I thought to myself Hollywood was trying to market another blockbuster movie with an airplane that hit a building and it was some sort of evil character involved. I was legit waiting for the Hulk to come around the corner, or for Spider Man to come flying in attached to a web. Rolling my eyes, i continued to run on the treadmill. It never crossed my mind that it could possibly be one of our country's worse days in its history.

People began to gather around the television with faces of shock..and not interest like I was expecting. At this point, I recognized it was the World Trade Center in New York City. It wasn’t a Hollywood movie, this had actually happened. I hopped off the treadmill and headed to my brothers as fast as possible.

We ran back home which was only a few blocks away. My mom was glued to the TV. We all, like so many, wondered how this could possibly be happening. How did these planes get through? How did suicide bombers take control of an airplane? How How How? and then ... Why!!?!?!?!? Just then, we watched the second plane hit and our jaw dropped. For several minutes we were speechless. my mom said "who could do such a thing?" my dad said, “It’s Osama Bin Laden”. then the Pentagon was hit. then the World Trade Center buildings fell, one after the other. we, like all Americans, were horrified, petrified, in shock.

the airports were closed for several days. we were all still in fear and shock that our country had been attacked. i was so young to grasp what had happened.. but all i remember is seeing the wreckage of the World Trade Center on tv.. words cannot describe the feeling of watching the embers still burning months later when news coverage covered all channels of television for months to come today marks 14 years, and the pain, anger, and sadness still remain.

yet i am proud of the heroism of so many citizens on that day, proud of our country’s resilience in the wake of this horrible tragedy, and........

........ so proud to be an American.

Here are some other links if you care to get more into it && read up on other conspiracies and more back ground information on the war.

First Responder

We Always Remember

i want you to find your nearest first responder and give that person a big hug. seriously. say thank you to the cops, the fire fighters, and the emergency technicians in your area. i know we are in tha chi and not new york, but you never know what can happen. just do it cus you know they would do all the can to save you if you were trapped in a burning building. they do amazing jobs as it is, i cannot imagine a situation and tragedy like 9/11 to occur.. not just them but even a nurse, a doctor, etc.. thank them, too. being a first responder is a job, but it’s also a calling. Humanity is not lost. We have people in our society who are willing to step up, risk it all, and help during a crisis. one of those people is my very own blood brother.

we are a great country.

real eyes realize real lies

I think that we all forget how great we truly are.

I think sometimes we get caught up in how everyone else is defining us, that we forget to remember that the only thing that really matters is HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF and there is NO REASON for you to be trying to get a guys attention every single day… If he’s too blind to see what’s right in front of him, he’s not worthy of you… plain and simple, because the guy who can’t get you off his mind, the one who can tell you’re beautiful and mean it with all his heart, is the one you want.. not the one who’s with you… while he’s still looking for the next best thing. Take it form me, I am all too familiar.

i know that some times i may not look like I’m not all “put together” as I seem. Yes, everything on the outside of me is always perfectly done. But on the inside I’m truly a fucking mess at times. there is a more to me than what meets the eye. From the looks of me, it is easy to make the following assumptions:

conceited: in fact, i have more insecurities than the next girl. we all do. Does that mean I have to let the world know it? No.  i hold my head up high && come off confident because i am very confident in my knowledge, and ability to accept the fact that I am who I am. I cannot obsess over unrealistic expectations.

know-it-all: i always just give out enough information. (i never disclose it all, that would be my ultimate defeat.)  i am DEEPER than you think. I have been through it all, and therefore help those I know are heading down the path I was on. If I had someone telling me the way at that age I would've very much appreciated it. If you would like to contradict me, I'm game. I can most likely figure you out within 5 minutes of having a conversation with you

Once I do, I thirst for YOU  to figure ME out. I believe myself to be genuine and I would never betray the ones I love. I value my family and those who are REAL. I am constantly thinking and I love to write poetry. i have Loved... Lost... and Learned. (( the three things that every soul should feel. )) i yearn for those that put a smile on my face. I crave for the one that will give to me what I will give to those that give back.

for the past several years i've pretty much kept to myself. too much circulation makes the price go down, if ya catch my drift. The more you are seen and heard from, the more common you appear. If you are already established in a group, temporary withdrawal from it will make you more talked about, even more admired.

You must learn when to leave.

Create value through scarcity.. then when you reappear--everyone will be like "wooooww you look amazing!" i've never really accepted the roles that society foists on me. i've recreated myself by forging a new identity-- one that commands attention and never bores my audience.

it took me a while to understand I am  the master of my own image as opposed to letting others define it for me. i believe by doing this my power will be enhanced  and my character will seem larger than life.

power struggle

.. i just truly believe there are certain qualities a person must obtain before being considered powerful themselves.. at least in my mind.

Before you ask yourself how you can become powerful, you must first ask yourself the question, what is power? i mean, some may think it is being able to reach what you want, while others think it is having people respect you. i even heard one person say being powerful is the ability to know how to solve all of your problems in no time!

But let's get real.. power is neither this nor that. it's a state of mind. it's being in control whatever happens, it’s the opposite of being broken, of victimizing yourself or being helpless. i think power is the state of mind that allows you to challenge whatever stands in your way, to bear the worst circumstances ever without cracking and to make your dreams come true with disregard to all the obstacles you face.

not only that, but i think power is a state of mind that can be achieved through a combination of different personality traits that together form the sides of the power cube. anddd i don't think any one can be powerful unless they possess each and every one of these key elements:

•managing your emotions: have there ever been times you became scared? How many times panic has taken over you? How many times were you unable to control your temper and so took a wrong decision? How many emotional decisions have you took then regretted them later? Emotions are very powerful, they can control you and force you to do things you never wanted to do. Some people commit suicide right after a strong emotional experience and this shows how powerful emotions can be. a powerful person is the one who knows how to control her emotions and master them instead of letting them control her. i know being a female this is extremely hard to do.. but it is possible.

•paaaaaatienceeee: Impatience is the lack of ability to tolerate a certain emotional stimulus that is currently affecting you- we all become impatient at some point in our lives. personally, i have grown to be more patient over the years as i have become more involved with children. The more powerful you are the more will you be able to bear the worst circumstances while maintaining your rational thinking and self control. Patience is not waiting but its bearing the bad conditions while working your way through them. If you are not patient then you lack one of the vital sides of the power cube.. you cannot be powerful without this important element.

•persistence: to me, the most persistent person is the one that can’t be stopped whatever happened to her. for instance, something a different as when i broke my arm and wore a sling, however this didn’t stop me from going to the gym 3 times a week to train my upper body. Persistence is not commitment but it’s the ability to keep going even if a storm is blowing in your face...some people can't handle that.

•courage: courage is not only fighting back at those who try to bully you or or being 'brave' .. its looking life straight into the eye, its not freaking out when you forget your keys inside the car and its standing still in the face of the new problems you encounter without collapsing or running away. straight to the point, i consider having courage is not so much not ever being scurred, but having the ability to continue going on while ignoring those fears.

remember, this is just my personal views. keep in mind i have no degrees or licenses on any of this shit, but it' just things i've gathered throughout life && my own wisdom on things. don’t feel bad if you found that you lack any of these qualities or even if you found that you lack them all. another part of power is knowledge, now you know what you lack and what you need to learn, i'm always on the hunt for learning. i love it. you can never stop learning and can never get bored of it. knowledge is power. i think by possessing all of the elements i've listed and keep on the path of grasping all the knowledge you can, you can only wrap up your power cube and become powerful.

interesting life hacks xx

Life Hacks!

I would use this idea in my bathroom for my blow dryer, straightener, curling iron, etc
It works perfectly for both I would have to say.




I have live in a small apartment and think this is just genius. I am so excited to try it as I have very limited counter space, and have a lot of kitchen items on my counters that take up room such as my blender, toaster, coffee maker, etc

I really wonder if this one here works. I am sure you have to have the exact grip and movement. I would probably be there for minutes trying to get it open haha






This is pretty known... news paper or paper towels.. or here's something --
EMPTY ALL LIQUODS PRIOR TO DISPOSING THEM. ;)





YES! I so need to do this as my Zippers go down to regularly because I wear my jeans so tight!






So this looks like it takes up a lot of room in your fridge, but it also holds quite a bit. It can be a good idea, but not one I am willing to try. 

This is a good idea; however I throw my tape rolls in my junk drawer, basement, etc and I could imagine what kind of dirt and dust that exposed sticky part would pick up. It isn't a big deal, but when you're a wuss like me-- id constantly be worried about spiders whenever I go to grab it lol





I actually use the hangers in the picture below this one to hold my boots up on the closet rack; however some times with my leather boots I will get an imprint of the clasp in my boots and that isn't good because it doesnt come out..

Who'da Thunk it!?



I already knew this one as well.. Some are pretty common-place. It works very well!




I am SUPER excited to try this one!! Those bottles are so sturdy and thick, theyd make for EXCELLENT cups. I am determined to do this this weekend!!

This is GENIUS! Some of these are kind of like, DUH moments. Why havent I thought of that!?





At work, this happened to me, and I actually used one of these prior to seeing this image, and it works great! I was bummed when I saw I wasn't the first one to think of doing it LOL






Not really sure if this one works or not.. I wouldnt think the sticky part is strong enough to grab onto all the dust. I will try it and let you all know though!





How cool is this one!? So neat and resourceful. Who needs a baby bath when you have this. Get a tub Pillow for the younger babies, and you're good to go!





I am excited to tell my Boyfriend this one for his yard!






This one below works great, but a lot of dirt and dust gets trapped on the velcro as well believe it or not.

When I worked at a pizza restaurant-- a lot of the drivers told me about this. Unfortunately people tend to order 2 liters and not smaller, so unless you had an empty small size bottle in your car... this wont really help.




My boyfriend uses this one below for his lunch. It works very good. My girl friend also puts sun screen lotion in it for the kids at the beach, easy application, and you wont over use.

I really want to try this one below... Can you imagine how good of a scrub that would get?
I'm a cleaning nut, so I get excited over this stuff! lol




This one below I already knew and used.. I use this for my Bullet & Blender

I am so using this idea very soon. This is so ideal as I am on my laptop for hours at a time, and sometimes my lap or table gets so hot I feel like I should turn my laptop off to give it a break. But when you have a lot to do, its almost impossible to do that. So here is a very good solution!





This works great! I tried it! Who would've thought!?

&& the one I found MOST helpful and am excited to try is ...

Thank you for reading guys and gals! I hope some of these help you out in your day to day lives just as they have me. If you know of any others, please let me know. I would be very happy to add them to the list!

Toodles!! *

Self Reflection

this year has opened my eyes to so much, i do not even know where to begin. i am just so much happier, so much more .. free. i feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i am finally that person i've been dying to be. last year was full of setting goals, and wanting them-- but not having the motivation nor the means to meet them. it's like Tracy DiMarco explains .. "it's like my dream dress. i see it in the window, i want it so bad.. but when i reach out to grab it-- i just can't.." word for word what my year last year was like.

When I began dating my new boyfriend, I was more determined than ever to get my shit together. I wanted to be a person I am proud to give to someone. After my previous relationship, my self confidence and respect were tarnished to such a degree. With that being said, I created a post on listing things i love and dislike about myself. My point is to list everything out-- get it all in print. Then one by one start finding solutions to things i dislike about myself, and to eventually have nothing to list under that list. I know I'm hoping for a lot but hey, we got to start somewhere right? =]

** i recommend any of my readers to really do this as well. you might think it's ridiculous, but when you actually read things you like or hate about yourself-- it's as if it hits you that much harder. maybe it's just me. **

((disclaimer: now girls, this cannot be something you know you can't change. for instance, your nose or the size of your chest. plastic surgery is not a solution i want you to pursue. && if you think it is, then truly ask yourself who you're doing it for and why you want it done?))

1. i love the fact that i am a people person. i can get along with just about any one, my personality is so diverse. I am great at entertaining, putting a genuine smile on someone's face is such a rewarding feeling. i can make even the grumpiest of people laugh.. even if it is a laughing AT me laugh.. ;)

2. i love that i am the first person to offer the shirt off my back to the ones i love, and the ones that i think deserve it. i don't mind sharing my last piece of gum nor last $10 to a friend who needs to buy diapers for her baby girl. As stated above, that truly warms my heart.

3. i love that i am able to differentiate between people who appreciate my generosity and people who take my kindness for weakness & try to take advantage of me without thinking i notice. i have a knack for reading people down to their cores. This isn't always the case, and sometimes I allow people to do so because I feel for them, and know it's not hurting me to help them even if they are taking advantage -- but that never lasts very long.

4. I love that I wake up super positive! Every day! I am happy to see the sun, and to see life!

Now what I want is for all of my readers to do the same. You will be surprised with what you may find out about yourself. You will begin to realize "hey, I do have some killer legs. Maybe I'll sport those capri pants I've been neglecting." or "hey, i can get a job--and will refuse to let my background define who I am, whether in my eye's or in my future employer's eyes."

Go do it ladies!!

... dealing with guilt.

Guilt – the gift that keeps on giving.

The dictionary defines the word "guilt" as a "feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." Guilt is that part of the human conscience that brings us up short and convicts us for actions and thoughts. Guilt is an inherent human trait that we more often than not naturally attempt to rid our lives of it. Guilt means there is a right and wrong way for us to operate and there are standards of what is good and what is worthy of guilt. thankfully, this guilt "gene" is something that we are born with.

I remember when my younger sister Catfish loved to walk up to any window, and just stare out of it. One specific time, it was a warm day during the summer months, and naturally with a large family home-- we had my 5 brothers and their friends along with 4 Labrador dogs constantly going in and out of the house all throughout the day, least to say flies were a problem. To our luck, Catfish was fascinated with flies and she attempted to catch them almost every time she seen one.. as with any thing else that flied or made a funny noise, and was smaller than her. Whenever I caught her trying to catch the flies, I would smack her hand or mouth (depending on how quick she was lol).

One day, she managed to catch one just as I walked into the room. She quickly put the fly into her mouth. Gross, I know. When I asked her where the fly was, she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, little shit she is lol Her face was a picture of guilt and I could hear the fly buzzing inside of her pursed lips. I was able to free the fly by prying that little mouth open and the fly flew away. Where she then said "how'd that get in there!?" with her big blue eyes popped wide open. too cute, but not good considering flies are soooo dirty and disgusting. yes, i'd brush her teeth and rinse her mouth out quite thoroughly every time i caught her doing it, which fortunately wasn't THAT  often because she hated the consequences I had for her

My point is, guilt is like that fly, it keeps buzzing until we deal with it. It's a buzzing problem.

There is a right way and a wrong way to deal with guilt. Trying to hide it, as my sister did to that fly, does not work. Strangely enough, the more a person is developed and the more they love and they care, the more they might experience guilt.

I used to consider guilt and shame one in the same. But after really thinking about it... they are very different, very different. Shame is more of that uneasy feeling we might get when we might get caught up for what  ever it is we may have done. We might not care whether it was right or wrong necessarily... but we do care whether anyone knows about it or not. Whereas guilt is more related to right and wrong. It is not so much a matter of what others might think but what we ourselves think. I think the main answer is forgiveness. forgiveness means to stop blaming or being angry at another for what they have done, or just coming to terms with that person as a sort of agreement to let itbe wate r under the bridge. not only that but it is ultimately freeing yourself and sometimes even others from an feeling so down.. you need to realize that forgiveness does not mean thinking that what they did was right. When we forgive we still think that what was done was wrong, but we give up punishing ourselves by holding a grudge for what we or another did. We release && let it go.

dealing with guilt

what i really wanted to point out in this blog was ways to deal with the guilt one may have.  there are many different techniques that some may consider common sense, but believe it or not common sense is not so common these days. not to mention when one's mind has soo much weight on it-- you can't expect that person to be able to think clearly.. one simple, but highly effective way is to list all the things we consider we did wrong.

everrrrrrrything we did. everrrrrrything we said. everrrrrrything we thought. 

we do this until we feel we have emptied our mind of all the considerations related to the guilt. The trick here is to note those things which we might not think, at first glance to be wrong. but these are things we did or said that led to the problem, and to feeling guilty. one time i even added "feeling guilty" to my list.. it is definitely a good candidate! having made a full list and now we feel much better, we review the list and note what we need to do in future to avoid the problem.  i find myself doing this most often when i am feeling upset or have a lot of anger inside... my first coping strategy is to write. i put my pen to the paper and let it bleeeeeed.

you may laugh at this but guilt brought me to the realization that I was a sinner... go ahead like i said.. laugh, like its such a shocker. LOL  I realized I could not do anything about that on my own because we are all sinners. I would clear my mind by saying I was sorry or asking for forgiveness of those I offended, but that did not quiet the guilty feelings. But then I was told that I could bring my emotional feelings into balance by trusting in someone else. When we trust someone else, its typically because we think we need that person in our lives. So we create that bond that will maybe bend, but never break.

...or so we tend to think.

.. is anybody out there?

I made a pretty big mistake today and though I am not going to go into detail about it I will just say that I aggravated what could possibly be the most important people in my life. This was done simply because I didn't look into the future consequences of my actions and do what I needed to do to have the best result. We have all done this before and with a mistake the size of the one I made today often times we quit. It would be very comfortable for me to just sink back into a sense of safety and obscurity, but that wouldn't make us any better would it?

So what is the plan when we run into a wall as hard as possible to realize we couldn't move it? We clean up our wounds we created first and foremost but then? The answer should be we don't run into it again, and if it is a wall that has to be moved we use the tools we know can accomplish the job to get it done.

Rihanna got a new tattoo that says "no failures in life, only lessons". 

What wise words to instill especially at this time in our present life when more and more people are looking at life from a negative light. We all have lessons we need to learn and incorporate in our daily lives, and the larger the lesson the bigger the game we are playing.

There are times when I feel incredibly alone. Like there is not a soul on this earth that could possibly understand the thoughts in my head. Like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and there isn’t a single person that can hear me. Like I am drowning in frigid, unmerciful waters without any hope of someone throwing me a life saver. And although all of this is a good reason for me to hole up in my apartment and wish for death, it is essentially what makes me alive. What makes me human. We all have our battles and the lifestyles we choose determine just how great our personal war with the world will be. Some people are satisfied with their role as the innocent civilian, while others want nothing but the front lines and an AK-47.

Can you guess where I would be? Def on the front lines, runnin up on lawns with guns drawn. I also wouldn’t mind going to battle with some of the most daring people the world ever saw. The real fighters. The ones who defied society and basically gave the finger to every social rule there ever was.

I just think it's funny how people never improve unless they look to some standard or example higher or better than themselves. i personally think the biggest room in the world is the room for improvement.